One of the things that I totally suck at is acknowledging when I feel sad, so that the feeling can pass on its own; instead of me fighting like hell against it and only making it worse. So, I’m acknowledging it. I’m a little sad today.
Today is an old friend’s birthday. I’m not sure if he is aware that it’s his birthday. He had a terrible accident last year and suffered severe brain damage. I feel so guilty that I haven’t visited him at all in the nursing home, though I’m sure he doesn’t remember me to be disappointed in me. I just can’t seem to muster up the courage to see for myself that my friend that I’ve known since what seems like forever ago, is just gone. No warning, no goodbye.
He’s not the first friend that I’ve had that’s done this. I feel guilty for being angry with them, but I am. I wish I could shake them all, yell and punch them. For them thinking that they can just check out early and leave everybody else here. Then I feel angry at myself for being angry. I guess I just wish I’d been given the chance to say goodbye, and it bothers me. It’s especially awkward in this situation, because how do you say goodbye to somebody when their body is still there but the thing that makes them, them is gone? I think that’s mostly why I haven’t visited. I don’t want to cry in front of this new person that took over my friend’s body and upset or freak him out. How do you say hello without saying goodbye?
I sure as fuck do not know.
So, for right now, I’m sad, and that’s okay. I just hope I can turn it back on for my nieces for pre-Christmas dinner this evening.